50 Fun Things to do in a Mall
- Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain.
- Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
- Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
- Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
- Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully
volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
- At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES!
- Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated
CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
- Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them
- Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
- ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that
they're 'astronaut food'.
- Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud
- Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
- Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and
white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees,
give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't
- Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of
- Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion
dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without
- Test mattresses in your pajamas.
- Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
- If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance
camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
- Sprint up the down escalator.
- Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other
shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.
- Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play
only in Spanish.
- Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
- Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a
particular saw cuts through bone.
- At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on
gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
- Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
- Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
- Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray
*them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
- Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,
insisting that you lost a contact lens.
- Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties
matches the color of your beard.
- In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I
see London, I see France...'
- Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of
shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
- Play the tuba for change.
- Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built
- Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and
perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring
- Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold
remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'.
- Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any
giant crap made out of straw'.
- 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake
- Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as
- Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to
push you around in it.
- Change every tv in the electronics department to a station
showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic
voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of
- Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture
department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in
circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!'
- Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant
and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'.
- 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make
lots of explosion noises.
- Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up
- Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to
provoke arguments over whether they're real.
- If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your*
- Answer any unattended service phones that ring in
department stores and say 'Domino's.'
- Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally
pausing to scratch yourself.
- At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
- Show people your driver's license and demand to know
'whether they've seen this man.'
- Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen
minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know
why it hasn't turned blue yet.